Updated: Jun 2, 2019
The goal is to make it to bed with a smile on my face.
Today, that seems far away. Dreamy.
Today It seems impossible. Daunting.
Today I don’t want to smile, honestly.
Today I’m tired. Really really really tired.
My kids are currently eating cereal for dinner. Lucky charms, actually. Did you know lucky charms now have unicorns? This cereal is currently known as “judicorn” cereal, thanks to Hazel. And also thanks to daddy, since he keeps buying it.
Every light in the house is off. Maybe paralleled to how mom feels today. Most days, MOST, the lights are ALL on. Not today.
I just read my “Bible“ app devotional and it says that the days that we feel tanked serving the Lord, while tiring, should also feel rewarding.
I feel no reWard.
I feel no pleasentNess.
And I stink.
Maybe I should call this blog, “Bitterness and B.O.” OR, “Judicorn” Blog.
This morning I posted a picture of the sun and it’s rays gleaming down, along with Psalm 63. And now I want to gauge my eyeballs out.
My goal right now, though measley, also magnanimous: to smile just once before bedtime. I fear I might’nt even let myself down.
And in the middle of my meltdown-day, I prayed to the Lord that I couldn’t finish today on my own. No longer on my own. My back hurts. I’m so dead dog tired. I still had four kids to feed, bathe, and get into bed, and none of those things will happen willingly. In fact they will likely happen nuclearly.
But you know what happened Next? My back hurt a little less. My eyes burned a smidgen less. And I cowgirled up.
..... grandma picked the toddler up, sometimes otherwise known as “Chuckie’s bride.” “Judicorn” cereal fed my other two groupies. And the baby let me get a pedicure in peace and full sleep mode for thirty minutes. There is still work to be done. But I can do it.
And I still have atleast two hours to try and smile. Or shower.
Pslam 63... I prayed for this kind of faith for a solid year, about two years ago. Which that kind of focus, time, dedication, and discipline all seems like a lxury now. Good thing I did it then.
Never did I imagine that my soul-thirsting self would be this incredibly NEEDY. And un-put-together.
Maybe that is the only thing I have gotten right, by complete accident and with a whole lot of help from potty training and breast feeding and foster care regulating.
But smiling? That seems an extra long mile. That would mean I was overflowing even just a teensy bit.. overflowing not from me, but Him. So here I am. Laying it down counting on Jesus to be who shows up.
So I can go to bed with a smile on my face. Prayers and Judicorns for you too my friend.
******UPDATE: My two month old, Jules, just ripped some massive sharts, ON. HER. OWN. Proud mom. I smiled. I hate to admit it, but I did.
*********2nd UPDATE: Mimi and Poppi came over like manna from Heaven and met our need of sanitation. They bathed the three big girls while mom showered. God is good.
***********3rd UPDATE: My sweet cousin came over to babysit the girls for me AND she did my many dishes, cleaned floors, de-cluttered countertops, and folded laundry. She’s 18. Blessed my socks off. I was a pyromaniac at 18. She is winning at lyfe and sharing.
****************4th UPDATE: I just realized that up north in this post I misspelled “Psalm“ as Pslam. That would be pronounced ”slam” (with a long “a”). I’ll leave it because I feel it proves my point of weariness that I was making.
Now I leave you with PSALM 63, mamas. Hope you smiled.
<3 Mama Mama Mama
“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. 3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. 4 So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, 6 when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; 7 for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. 8 My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.“