This is not where I belong.

Updated: Aug 8

I have struggled with praying for awhile now. This is not a norm for me. I've always been very passionate about partnering with anyone and everyone about communicating with God, our need for Him, in all ways.

Bitterness seeps in at the thought of how deeply hurt my prayer life has become.

We fostered for a couple of years. Ultimately, we adopted one of our daughters out of foster care. I have zero doubt that as a mother, on any level of relatability, that every prayer, every dagger, every effort, every inkling of possibility to salvage her daughter from being taken from her, that our adopted daughter's, biological mother, prayed and everything more, to try and keep her daughter. PRAYED to the Heaven's to keep her. And that is horrifying for me. Very selfish, I know.

If life was supposed to be fair, it wouldn't also be interesting or fun or Holy or Savior-needing. My cross to bear, looks nothing like your cross, and some of those crosses that you all handle, admittedly, I'm thanking God, they don't belong to me.

I have found myself over here praying for my own welfare, realizing that all across my neighborhood, my county, my state, my country, the world, that mamas everywhere, are praying for very unfair circumstances that they've found themselves in, for the welfare and livelihood of their precious babies. That is unfair. No part of me wants to accept that reality.

Hence, my current dilemma of prayer: the things in which I pray for, inherently in Christ, I already have. In fact, we all already have our welfare... unevenly. -the reason I'm showing up today. On my tombstone I hope that someone might write: excellent teammate.

It bothers me that I have privileges in our society that some will never have. It irks me that I have prayed for more welfare for myself, when I already have so much to my name. It undoes me that opportunities I have stumbled upon to cause increase in my life have become a selfish expectation, when others have prayed and worked their whole life for something, anything, and haven't had the same experience; i.e. all of my babies, in my home, that are all sound asleep.

Not participating isn't an answer either.

Yet I have moved neither forwards nor backwards. To pray or not to pray?

God is so good. He's been good to me, deep in my heart. I have seen Him moving in painful situations, time and time again.

It's not Him, it's me. I am the one I'm mad at. I am the one needing some re-training or pep talks or coffee.

I WANT to learn to pray MASSACRE on darkness. I WANT to unleash THE HEAVENS with my tiny humanly prayers, upon MONSTERS. I WANT to rage against social injustice through CHRIST, with very BOLD prayers. Yet I am always in the way.

And unwarrantedly, no matter what, Christ delivers. Just like always. It's not me, It's Him.

Unwavering faith seems like the greatest prayer I could pray.

I won't steal from my adopted daughters, biological mom's, testimony and resiliency in Christ, if you won't steal from me, mine. Let me have my scars and let me hold them tight. It's this pain of injustice that fires me up to show up to fight. Life has been unfair to me in much different ways that it has been unfair to you. And so I promise I won't try and steal your scars either.

I will remember Christ in all the ways He meets me, bugging Him with all my prayer-drama, all while hopefully alternatively loosening my grip on my eyesight.

Now I implore you to do the same.

This isn't Covid we are battling. Blindness is what we are facing; faith is at stake.

Fear is not the enemy here, deceit is.

We are busy NOT WALKING IN FEAR over sickness, praying for WELFARE, and truth is being CRUCIFIED.

We are the donkey stables, we are the palm-leaf growers, we are the disciple-mamas, the Mary-mamas! We are the teammates, the ones chosen to partner with Jesus.

Entitlement breeds contempt. I can't remember who quoted that- but it wasn't me. Yet it is so true.

It's actually all not about me. It's about surrender. It's about sacrifice. It's about never wanting anything less than Christ, because a true encounter with Him, faith, doesn't count the cost of what parts of me are being left behind.

None of this is about my welfare. It's not about my adopted, daughter's, biological-teenage- mom's, welfare, and it's not about mine or yours. It is about our hearts, though. It is about the courage to seek Christ first and have HIM as it all, at any and every cost.

Nothing is fair. Nothing is even. Nothing is balanced. Nothing weighs the same. So we can't add it up in any kind of earthly weight. Heavenly, it must all become a Heavenly gain.

The truth is true. We MUST refuse to compromise any sort of truth seeking out a fair-er version of welfare for our own sake, or even someone else's. It is the very testimonies of the bitterness of life that looks differently for each of us, that ultimately draws every single one of us to wholeness in Christ. There has to be a need, there has to be one Truth, just like there has to be air to breathe or water to drink. We must have Truth to live and nothing replaces what we were created born needing. Nothing replaces Jesus Christ, just like nothing replaces the endless deep blue sea or the majesty of the sun in the sky.

Life is painful. We can all agree. And yes, prayer sometimes hurts, because we sometimes hurt, which makes us better teammates. Yet, we still follow Jesus Christ in blind faith, especially when we don't understand, in sacred Truth, as He knows every kind of pain, in every kind of way. That seems as close to fair as it gets, to me.

Mama's across the world, I'm over here struggling too, over here on your team.

Sleep tight tonight and I pray, very Heavenly dreams, for you and your very sweet babies, wherever they might be sleeping. <3.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. (John 14:27)"



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