Updated: Apr 30
Yes, you read that right. Slime-Parenting. That is a capitol "S" and capitol "P" for those of you wondering. Things could get weird in this post.
We have life group on Sunday evenings and our kids go to Children's Ministry while we meet.
After life group one night, we were picking up our two-year-old, Hazel, from class, where we were met with very impressed teachers.
**This is where I would like to disclose who we are dealing with. Hazel. She is a winner. Nobody puts BABY in the corner. She may be the youngest child in our house, but she is also roost queen. We warn people all the time not to make eye contact or get too close. BABY has been known to go kung-fu on "innocent" by-standers.. aka mostly her older sisters. There was a phase for a good year or so that I had a legitimate worry that our oldest daughter was going to be bald in response to getting too close to BABY too often. She is cute and she is dangerous. Hazel comes with a warning label. End side-note.**
Anyway, Hazel's impressed teachers were just bragging away at how she had been sitting at the table coloring and working on her Bible activity sheet for about forty-five minutes.
There are just so many red flags in that sentence.
A two-year-old in general, doing anything consecutive longer than five minutes, is alarming. Much less OUR TWO-YEAR-OLD, MUCH LESS BABY, and much less forty-five minutes long.
We just smile politely, like "lets the heck out of here before they figure out what is really going on".. while also, for once, maybe relieved that there is a SMALL chance we have a baby genius on our hands and that explains why she is such a dynamite creature.
Hazel comes out of the room to us and we head down the hall to get the other two girls from their classes. We get to the next class, I'm holding BABY, and I ask her how class was, while Cam signs out one of the other girls.
Hazel smiles at me proudly displaying little green specks all in her teeth, happy about Jesus I suppose.
Reality then sets in however, in a much more normal fashion for the consistencies in our life. BABY WAS busy for forty-five minutes, working away at the coloring table while all the other kids played.
Working away eating a green crayon that is.
In her defense we do meet at dinnertime.
If this had been my first child, I probably would have been horrified. But she's not. Really, the third kid in, I'm mostly proud. I mean, my girl just self-entertained herself, for close to an hour. And we didn't get a single phone call about her throat-punching or biting other kids. I really couldn't ask for more, if I'm being honest.
Unconventional, I know. I'm guessing not very organic either. But hey, I feed my kids hot pockets and fish sticks on occasion. This just feels like our territorial stake in life; our chosen path.
>>Enter my very relevant point of this post: slime.
I bribe my kids with slime, for extra time. They say not to give kids too much TV. They say independent play is best. They also say to limit telling your kids "no". And slime meets all of the CDC's or CPS' or FDA's, or whoever's, guidelines.
I buy the 99 cent slime for my kids when, or even before, they earn it. I throw slime away, when my kids forget that I'm their elder (or stick it up their nose) and they have to lose it. I buy more slime for my kids when they earn it back again. And the cycle goes round; very cheaply.
Slime is the most cost-effective, time-rewarding, interesting, AND greatest form of punishment that I have found. It is definitely as entertaining as eating green crayons, for BABY.
I probably bought more slime last year than vegetables.
We are raising a foreign generation. There is not much that any single child in my house won't do or not do, for slime. Slime feels like a boogar, looks a boogar, and makes fart noises like a boogar. And my kids heart it.
You guys: give some slime to the kids of the world.
Concentration, attention span, nice-hands, non-tantrum-throwing-minutes, joy,
sensory-development, DIY video-potential, bathroom noises on KITCHEN-ONLY countertops, raise your kids WITH SLIME.
I apparently have no pride. And I'm also chronically sleepy.
Coming from a family that is very government-regulated (by foster care), there is nothing in the laws of CPS that says slime-parenting is illegal or not. In fact there is not even a standard at all for this way of life. I have learned it is challenging to find processes of society that is both legal for our foster daughter and our bio ones. Thus I have also found, we can do slime-parenting with our bio daughters. We can do slime-parenting with our foster daughter. And we can do slime-parenting with BABY. Just take the bacon.
I will leave you with this:
Clause A: We have legit slime regulations in our house. Our slime probably even has feelings. It has emotions, it has rules, it has currency, and it even has consequences (i.e. the trash can).
Clause B: Please don't take on any guilt about this slime-parenting thing either. Not everyone is cut out for fart noises. Our house functions on a whole other orbit than what I ever thought possible. The difficult part about fostering isn't the orbit, but rather the space-ride to get there. Once we learned our new foreign language and it's logical inconsistencies we adapted the best we could. We even dabble in slime-therapy ourselves every once in a while. We also are considering covering our windows in foil, pressing our own almonds for almond milk, and scrambling our eggs in the microwave. But if there is one point to take away from the slime-parenting how-to guide, it's that, where there is a will there is way. Slime-parents are just crazy enough that the unpredictable brings out that creepy, villain laugh. We may not be trendy or cool or sane, but we are resourceful, and we aren't willing to give up. We meant it when we signed that slime-parenting-cps-dotted-line. Ensue villain-laugh.
Clause Z: Helpful tip number fifty-seven A, per page thirteen, in the Slime Parenting Handbook: Parent should creepy, villain laugh, in response to child's extraterrestrial behavior in order to confuse said child just long enough to figure out exactly what parent should do in actuality. Avoid all foreign, eye contact. Slime parenting is all about a creative logical approach to illogical, nonsensical, tiny human BABY behavior. The End.