Hamster Wheels

Every time I take a picture with my phone of something that genuinely brings me joy, my first instinct, that I’m going to say is unfortunate, is to “post” it for all to see.


Given, four children in, as a women nearly in her mid-thirties, not much thrills me these days.

So when something reminds my aging brain to pull my electronic device out of wherever one of the children last lost it, to then snap a picture or video, because I never want to forget what I've just seen, it seems pretty important.


However, just like I'm proud now on a road trip when I can go an entire two hours without having to stop and pee, every time that I don’t actually stop and post every picture or video that I take, though usually hilarious, I feel weirdly proud of myself. Like I’m operating with explicit amounts of self control or like I’ve defeated the world and just enjoyed a small private moment of solitude, all for the right, artifactual, reasons.


And then, 15 seconds later, I look in the mirror at myself and I think, “something about my eyebrows leaves me wanting more from my lack of facial expressions...” And then I go to bed. And then wake up tomorrow and the cycle repeats itself.


Viscocity. It's all viscosity. Is that the right word? No, ...vicious.


Life is vicious.

Big picture thinking. Little picture thinking. But, big picture thinking. SQUIRREL! Back to big picture thinking. Little picture thinking. Do I have a double chin, ALL THE TIME? Big picture thinking. I should GO TO BED, then maybe I won’t be so insane. Even bigger picture thinking. The biggest picture thinking, mixed with little picture to-do lists. Gigantor picture thinking. Accidentally, sleep finds me. Even more accidentally, Its time to wake up, which always feels like right after sleep only just occurred seconds before. And then it is very very very very little picture thinking. CEREAL BARS FOR BREAKFAST EVERYONE! Then the egotistical humanity ensues: back to my eyebrows; back to ending social injustice; SQUIRREL! Onward to raising the next generation of leaders! GEEZ, you can watch your tablet ONLY if you promise not to ask me another question for the next three hours. I'm just really going to miss this someday. This hamster wheel is exhausting. .......speaking of, have you guys tried out Marco Polo? It’s awesome.


It feels like I haven't slept in years. And obviously there might be some raging hormones at play.


I gotta go, I'm researching colleges with my seven-year-old today. Might workout later. Or might just work on my eyebrows later. Only the wheel knows!


-Kelsey

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© 2018 by Landl Stand.

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